Please feel free to submit the best bird jokes you have ever heard...

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. That one costs 2,000 dollars." "And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

The Parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

An introverted accountant passes a pet store on his way home each day. Inside the window he sees a beautiful parrot preening itself and entertaining itself with its toys.
One day he stops in to get a closer look at the beautiful parrot and finds, to his amazement, that the parrot is quite friendly and sociable towards him.
He enquires to the proprietor of the store about purchasing the bird and the owner informs him the bird is not for sale as its' previous 8 owners all brought it back with complaints about the parrots' language and demeanour. Slightly put off the accountant leaves but continues to stop in to visit with he parrot.

Several months go by and the accountant continues to visit with the parrot and continues to pester the pet store owner. Finally the shop keeper becomes worn down, relenting and sell the bird to the accountant on the condition that the sale is final - no returns; ever!

Happily the accountant buys a cage and play top and food and all the other good stuff and sets his new friend up in a prominent place in his home. Immediately the bird calls out demanding to be fed. And he berates his new owner on the timeliness and quality of the food.

When the accountants mother comes over the parrot makes lewd comments and unacceptable propositions.When the accountants girl friend comes over the parrot criticizes her appearance and her make up and her ability to dress. After several weeks of abuse the mother and the girlfriend will no longer visit and the accountant finally becomes so angry that he puts the bird in the cupboard whereupon the parrot screeches and bangs around in the cupboard smashing things. When the parrot is removed he curses the accountant and the accountant becomes more enraged and throws the bird into the dryer and puts him on tumble dry for 20 minutes.
The bird emerges quite ruffled and curses even louder and makes disparaging remarks about the accountants genealogy. The accountant throws the cursing parrot into the freezer from whence he hears more cursing and vindictive remarks.
After a while it is very quiet and the accontant removes his, by now shivering parrot, because he thinks harm has come to the bird.
After some time of an unusual quietness the bird says:
"Sorry for all the problems I've cause you sir"
"Please be assured it won't be happening again"
"But; could I ask... what did the turkey in the freezer do to you?"

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A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary office. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?" The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat.The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed, and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced the bill that he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but ............. with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

Why do birds fly South?

Because it's too far to walk.

What kind of ducks rob banks?

Safe quackers.

Why did the pigeon need to get out?

He was cooped up at home all week.

Which bird does construction work?

The crane!

What do you call a minor bird accident?

A feather bender.

Why did the duck go ring-ring?

He got a phone bill.

What did the little bird say to the big bird?

Peck on someone your own size.

What do you call a formal dance for ducks?

A fowl ball.

Why was the duck unhappy?

His bill was in the mail.

Why did the pigeon need to get out?

He was cooped up at home all week.

Which birds work underground?

Myna (miner) birds.

What kind of doctor treats a duck?

A quack doctor!

What kind of weather excites a pet duck?

Fowl weather, of course!

What holiday is strictly observed by all birds?

Feather's Day!

Where can birds play professional baseball?

In the mynah leagues!

How can you tell a miser from his pet canary?

One's a little cheap, but the other's a little cheeper.

Sitting on a branch overlooking the parking lot, the pigeons watched as a Mercedes pulled in below them. "What do you think?" one bird said to the other. "Should we put a deposit on that car?"

What did the parrot say when she fell in love with the frog?

Polly wants a croaker!

What would you name a parrot made out of plastic?


How can you tell that birds like shopping at sales?

They're always saying "cheep-cheep".

Why did the duck put its head in the stream?

To liquidate its bill.

Why did the duck leave the stream?

It had more interest in the bank.

What kind of fish can you find in a birdcage?

A perch!

Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.

A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance caw.

A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds? Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

A farmer was sitting on the bottom step of his porch eating a sandwich when a hen zoomed by with a rooster in hot pursuit. Suddenly, the rooster slammed on the brakes, slid to a halt and began pecking at the crumbs from the sandwich. "Darn," muttered the farmer, "hope I never get THAT hungry!"

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After a couple of minutes, they leap off the cliff. Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping." The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip. That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying, "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Startled, the burglar snarls back, "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma. Again the voice says, "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and, in it, a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous frothing doberman waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!"